Here’s All You Need to Know About the Candidates in Thursday’s GOP Debate

Ten of the Republican Party candidates for president will participate in the first debate of the 2016 Presidential Campaign on Thursday in Cleveland, Ohio.

Fox News, the official network of the GOP, has announced the names of nine of the candidates in the debate. The tenth will either be Ohio Gov. John Kasich or former Texas Gov. Rick Perry. What is it going to be, Fox, beets or liverwurst?

The GOP’s remaining candidates will sit on folding chairs at the back of the auditorium, with forlorn looks on their faces, wondering why they’re not one of the popular kids.

And we’re left to wonder: Why is there a debate in August 2015 for an election that’s 15 months way?

With so many candidates, where can you find the distinctive qualities of each one in a way that gives them the seriousness they deserve?

Right here:

Donald Trump said he would tab Sarah Palin for a top cabinet post if he was elected president. In response, Trump’s candidacy was immediately endorsed by the nation’s comedians, comedy writers, and editorial cartoonists.

Ben Carson said he doesn’t “really want to run” for president. We really don’t want you to run for president either.

Rand Paul said he supported his family’s opposition to the 1964 Civil Rights Act because it meant — and this was his quote — people couldn’t “have cigar bars anymore.” He really said that.

Rick Perry called the murders of nine blacks inside a Charleston, S.C., church an “accident.” This was a massacre. Perry is an accident.

Mike Huckabee does not accept evolution as a science. This is not surprising for someone who has spent so many years in GOP politics.

Mike Huckabee says that rapes, though “horrible tragedies,” have produced admirable human beings. He calls this “compassionate conservatism.”

Chris Christie puts the bully in bully pulpit.

Ted Cruz was not born in the United States. How can he run for president? Has anyone seen his birth certificate? What’s he hiding? He must be Kenyan and a Muslim. And a Socialist. And maybe even a Kardashian.

Marco Rubio gave up a promising career as a ventriloquist after learning while making a nationally televised speech that he could not talk and drink water at the same time.

Donald Trump says that global warming is real, but that it’s untouched by human hands. Like his hair.

As governor of Florida, Jeb Bush reportedly invested $ 1 million in state pension money to fund pornography films. Bush defended himself by saying he wanted to see people do to each other what his family has been doing to the American people for generations.

Rick Perry started wearing glasses to look smart. It hasn’t worked. He just looks like Rick Perry wearing glasses.

Jeb Bush told Fox News that, given the information he now has, he would have supported the invasion of Iraq. This means that George W. isn’t the dumbest Bush, and Rick Perry isn’t the dumbest person running for president.

Scott Walker is the only college dropout among the GOP candidates for president. Rick Perry and Mike Huckabee all graduated from college. How hard can it be?

John Kasich and Scott Walker hope to get elected president by attacking teachers. Why not? It worked so well in China, Iran, and Afghanistan.

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