Melania Trump has assured us that, as First Lady, she will work tirelessly to end the scourge of bullying. It’s an undertaking fraught with arduous challenges, but as demonstrated by the below leaked draft she’s clearly ready to move us forward as a nation.
Rule #1: Female students need to lighten up toward their male friends, who are just having a good time. Accordingly, a male student may say or do any of the following, without worrying about abiding by the rules of political correctness:
- Embracing a diversity of amusing T-shirts, such as: (a) “She’s a c*nt” (b) “Life’s a bitch, don’t vote for one” (c) “KFC Hillary Special: 2 fat thighs, 2 small breasts … left wing” and (d) “Trump that Bitch“.
- Referring to women in creative ways like fat pigs, disgusting animals, dogs and bimbos.
- Posting unflattering photos as a way to humiliate.
- Denying sexual harassment by pointing out that the supposed victim is not attractive and therefore not good harassment material.
- Arguing that a woman should in fact be fired on the basis of insufficient attractiveness.
- Pointing out that a woman who chooses to pump breast milk for her 3-month-old baby is doing something “disgusting”.
- Locker-room talk like, “grab them by the pussy” and “I moved on her like a bitch.”
Rule #2: It is okay for 60-year-old male teachers to point to 10-year-old students and say, “I’ll be dating her in 10 years.”
Rule #3: It’s just plain fun to point out racial and ethnic differences. So students may say or do any of the following, again without worrying about abiding by the rules of political correctness–as long as the student follows it up by insisting, “I’m the least racist person you’ve ever met.“
- Accusing someone of being incapable of fairness because s/he is “a Mexican” (see the curious case of Judge Curiel, an American born in Indiana, who is apparently biased because he is a Mexican).
- Getting involved in politics by first falsely accusing African Americans of a brutal crime (the Central Park Five) and then falsely accusing a black opponent of being a foreigner, likely born in Africa.
- Starting off the next step of the student’s political career by accusing Mexicans immigrants of being rapists. (“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.“)
- Operating a business and refusing to serve customers who are African American.
- Encouraging your friends to taunt immigrants with the slogan, Build the Wall. (What could go wrong, other than your white friends then handing out “deportation letters” to non-white students? Or maybe the friends dabble a bit in Nazi salutes, swastikas, the n-word, anti-gay slurs and more.)
Rule #4: When all is said and done, it’s really not fair to label a student as a “bully” when the target of the so-called bullying deserves the ridicule. In those situations, students may do any of the following:
- Falsely claim that their opponent appeared in a pornographic video.
- Encourage fellow students to assault the target, by pointing to wished-for behavior (“I’d like to punch him in the face, I’ll tell ya“) and offering to pay the legal bills of anyone who decides to go forward with the wished-for assault (“There may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience. If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously. Okay? Just knock the hell — I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees.”)
- Come up with cute nicknames for their opponents like, “Little Marco,” “Lyin’ Ted,” “Crooked Hillary,” and “Crazy Bernie.” “Miss Piggy” and “Miss Housekeeping” are also useful nicknames for pointing out that a person has gained weight and is Latina.
- Threaten to jail their opponents.
- More amusing T-shirts: “Rope. Tree. Journalist. Some Assembly Required.”
- Suggest that if their opponent prevails, “Second-amendment people“ should shoot her.
Rule #5: A student can’t be held responsible for saying something truly awful about another person, so long as the statement is attributed to “some people” or the student first points out that s/he is too nice a person to say what s/he then says.
Of course, certain bullying behaviors are still beyond the pale and will be dealt with strictly and severely. Specifically, the following is prohibited:
Please use the comments to point out bullying rules that I’ve missed.
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